Normal Living
by Ally Bama
Summary: PG13 I think.... Heero is trying to become normal and be a teenager but he is going to have to ask Relena to help.Well he?
1. Default Chapter

Normal Living  
  
Bama  
  
Here is something I had up in my head. My sister's school nurse said that the best thing was  
  
to keep a journal but to put in aricles, poems, or song lyrics that express the feeling from that   
  
day...  
  
Here is Heero's 'Song Journal'READ THE LYRICS THERE THE MAIN PART!!!!  
  
A/N--There will be 3 to 4 journalings in each chapter. AND I still need a editor! ^_^AND REVIEWERS!  
  
!! I talk about things that happened in Blind Target and other manga's in here so if you haven't  
  
read them you can find the tranlations at:   
  
http://www.gundamwing.net/gwarchive.html   
  
Then go to manga and read away!  
  
Disclaimer: Me No Own Gundam Wing.Me No Own Stabbing Westward,Or Linkin Park ¿Compredia?  
  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
A.C. 198  
  
Day 1  
  
July Second  
  
Doctors are nagging chainsaws that sound like women to me, always nagging and poking, asking  
  
this and that. But for once I think I will listen to them. I was told by Sally Po, right before I  
  
ran away from the hosptial that Relena had me taken to after the mariemaya attacks, to talk about  
  
my emotions in anyway, if not verbally then to write them down. It has been months since then and  
  
I have finally decided that it might be nice to let some of these annoying thoughts out of me. So  
  
here I go starting with the person who helped trained me, Dr. J.  
  
Feeling - mad   
  
To Who - Dr. J/Myself  
  
Why? - He hurt me.  
  
Song Lyrics - The Thing I hate (pomf)  
  
Song By - Stabbing Westward  
  
The Thing I hate (P.O.M.F {pissed off mother f**ker})  
  
Lost in a world of doubt and insecurity  
  
Nothing that you hold sacred nothing that you believe  
  
Your life is a contradiction  
  
While you thrive on manipulation  
  
I fight to just hold onto what I believe  
  
I won't become the thing I hate...   
  
I won't become the thing I hate...   
  
I won't become the thing I hate...   
  
I won't become you  
  
You've treated me like I'm a worthless piece of sh*t  
  
You think like you're in control but you make me sick  
  
I want to watch you suffer  
  
The way you've made me suffer  
  
I want to f**k up everything you've ever loved  
  
But i won't become the thing I hate...  
  
I won't become the thing I hate...   
  
I won't become you  
  
This anger comes from my hate for myself and for Dr. J. Why can't I get this out of me? Some  
  
times I wonder what would of happened if I had not said I would become a Gundam pilot. Would I  
  
have tried to live a normal life like Odin Lowe wanted me to? Or would I already be dead? I'm  
  
happy I don't remember past my times with Odin Lowe, I don't what to know who I am or if I have a  
  
family. I don't want to know them.   
  
A.C. 198  
  
Day 2  
  
July Third  
  
Emotions are peoples weaknesses, so why do I fell desperate for them? Why can't I get these  
  
empty feeling from me. It started when I saw Relena on the TV, old feels come back so fast, like a  
  
tidel wave. It was so weird, and now I can't get them out so here is the song of the day.  
  
Feeling - Desperate   
  
To Who - Freinds/ Relena  
  
Why? - ???  
  
Song Lyrics - Desperate Now  
  
Song By - Stabbing Westward  
  
Desperate Now:  
  
I keep breaking all the promises  
  
I keep making to my self  
  
You'd think by now I'd be over this   
  
Instead i'm feeling sorry for myself   
  
So why does everything seem so desperate now  
  
I should be feeling so alive  
  
But it feels like something's missing   
  
Something's wrong somehow  
  
It feels like something   
  
Deep inside has died  
  
So why do I feel so desperate now   
  
Why do I feel like dying  
  
Why do I feel desperate now  
  
Why do I feel desperate now  
  
I keep breaking all the promises  
  
I keep making to my self  
  
But the promises mean nothing to me anymore  
  
Circling the drain...  
  
Spiraling to hell...  
  
So why do I feel so desperate now   
  
Why do I feel like dying  
  
Why do I feel desperate now  
  
Why do I feel desperate now  
  
I broke everthing, all my promises, all my friendships, even the peoples hearts that I had  
  
come to think important to me that night I left. I kept promising to myself that dreams and  
  
memories, thoughts and action, will go away but there alway there. I really think there is nothing  
  
left deep down, it is all dead, I'm not what everyone thinks I am. I'm getting tried of people   
  
thinking I'm so strong and nothing can break me, I'm getting tried of MYSELF thinking that I'm   
  
unbreakable. It's time for me to come to reality that I am breakable and that I do have feeling and  
  
that it's my fault for not showing them. It's time for me to do what Odin asked me to do. I have  
  
to do what 'normal' people do. I need to become a real 16-year-old-hormone-loving-school-hating-teenager.  
  
Maybe then this desperate feeling will go away...  
  
A.C. 198  
  
Day 3  
  
July Fouth  
  
I looked around for a school today and just my luck Relena is here in L-1 to speak.   
  
I said it before and I'll say it again. Relena is caught up in her ideals. Why can't she just leave  
  
me alone? No, it's not her that I don't want to see, it is the way I feel that I don't WANT to  
  
feel when ever she is around. I had to run home, hope she didn't see me, lock myself up in my   
  
empty room, in my even more empty apartment. I had to shut out everyone and I had to look deep down  
  
in myself to find out what was wrong with me. Isn't that what normal people do? This isn't the   
  
first time I have done this, it happens every time I see her and I can't keep on doing this. I   
  
can't let it become a habit! So here I will sit, in an empty room, with a book as my only company.  
  
Here I can cry like a weak fool, here I can rock myself to sleep on the cold floor, and here is   
  
the place I will drive myself insane.   
  
Feeling - Insane, Confused  
  
To Who - Everyone  
  
Why? - Why can't I be normal?  
  
Song Lyrics - Breaking The Habits  
  
Song By - Linkin Park  
  
Memories consume  
  
Like opening the wound  
  
I'm picking me apart again  
  
You all assume  
  
I'm safe here in my room  
  
[Unless I try to start again]  
  
I don't want to be the one  
  
The battles always choose  
  
'Cause inside I realize  
  
That i'm the one confused  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
I don't know why I instigate  
  
And say what I don't mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I know it's not alright  
  
So I'm breaking the habit  
  
Tonight  
  
Clutching my cure  
  
I tightly lock the door  
  
I try to catch my breath again  
  
I hurt much more  
  
Than anytime before  
  
I had no options left again  
  
I'll paint it on the walls  
  
'Cause i'm the one at fault  
  
I'll never fight again  
  
And this is how it ends  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
But now I have some clarity  
  
To show you what I mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I'll never be alright  
  
So I'm breaking the habit  
  
Breaking the Habit  
  
Tonight  
  
I have to keep myself sane, I have to put things in my life, surround myself so I can't drive  
  
myself crazy. Tomorrow I have to paint the mural of my life on my wall so I don't forget. I can't  
  
forget thoughs sane thoughts, I have to keep myself going and I have to go on with my life. I will  
  
make it through, and I won't go insane!  
  
TBC!!!_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
So... do you like it? There will be ALOT more H+R so do not fear. Please R+R!!!  
  
Bama 


	2. Chapter 2

Normal Living Chapter 2

By: Bama

Here it is chapter two in what I believe will give me battles of migraines and writer's block. DAMN YOU! I finally got my Microsoft Words back up so there won't be *as* much miss-spelled words. I NEED MORE LYRICS! If ya'll have any good one you would like to see here then send them on down I'll try to fit them in.

Disclaimer: No Heero's are Relena's were hurt in the making of the fan fiction. But that doesn't mean you will ever see them again!

::Muffled sound from the closet.::

Heero: Get me out of HERE!!!

Relena: I'm going to kill YOOOUUUU author-chan!

Bama:: struggling to keep the door closed:: What Bandi doesn't know won't hurt 'em! 

Hee, hee.

I don't own Sugarcult, Stabbing Westward, or Korn. ::tears:: There all good band and if you never heard of them you SUCK!

WARNING: If you do NOT like the subject of suicide (cutting) and Mental Help Intuitions then you will not like this chapter. Skip it, block it, or just don't read it. What ever floats your boat.

**

A.C. 198  
Day 4  
August twenty-six  


I thought for the longest time after that last journal entry that I had some what helped myself. I know now that I am wrong. I thought that if I surround myself and if I don't give myself time to think of *it* them maybe I can't confuse myself by thinking of *her*. I now know that yet again I was wrong. School helped, it made me busy, though I am learning stuff I already know. Friends never came and will never come easy for me. I well always be quiet and content with nods and grunts. I came accept the fate God gave me and I am ok with the nightmares and knowledge of the lives I took. In a war that is what you are to do, defeat you opponent, even if it means killing them. No that is not my problem. My problem is that little demon voice in the back of my head asking me 'Is she alright?' telling me 'One visit wouldn't hurt.' trying to drive me insane 'You know you what to see her.'

Yes, she is alright, she has the other guys to watch her.

Yes, one visit would hurt because one visit will turn into two, then three then so on.

Yes, I do what to see her, but does she what to see me?

I hate questions and I have so many of them up in my head, its driving me insane, to a point that I can't see straight and I can't be out in public and see a blonde-haired girl with out my heart picking up speed. I'm obsessed. I have to get out of here. I have to leave this confusion 

I don't see how a normal human being can take this, I don't see how *I* could work around this and be more sane then, then I am now. I can't do this. 

Feeling - Confusion, confusion and more confusion  
To Who - Myself  
Why? - I can't understand these question  
Song Lyrics - Alone I Break  
Song By - Korn 

Alone I Break

Pick me up 

Been bleeding too long 

Right here, right now 

I'll stop it somehow 

I will make it go away 

Can't be here no more 

Seems this is the only way 

I will soon be gone 

These feelings will be gone 

These feelings will be gone 

Now I see the times they change 

Leaving us, it seems so strange 

I am hoping I can find 

Where to leave my hurt behind 

All the shit I seem to take 

All alone I seem to break 

I have lived the best I can 

Does this make me not a man? 

Shut me off 

I'm ready 

Heart stops 

I stand alone 

Can't be my own 

I will make it go away 

Can't be here no more 

Seems this is the only way 

I will soon be gone 

These feelings will be gone 

These feelings will be gone 

Now I see the times they change 

Leaving us, it seems so strange 

I am hoping I can find 

Where to leave my hurt behind 

All the shit I seem to take 

All alone I seem to break 

I have lived the best I can 

Does this make me not a man? 

Am I going to leave this place? 

What is it I'm running from? 

Is there nothing more to come? 

(Am I gonna leave this place?) 

Is it always black in space? 

Am I going take its place? 

Am I going to win this race? 

(Am I going to leave this race?) 

I guess God's up in this place? 

What is it that I've become? 

Is there something more to come? 

(More to come) 

Now I see the times they change 

Leaving us, it seems so strange 

I am hoping I can find 

Where to leave my hurt behind 

All the shit I seem to take 

All alone I seem to break 

I have lived the best I can 

Does this make me not a man? 

Is it normal for people that you go to school with to be able to tell you what wrong with you and you don't even know? Will anyone notice me when I'm gone? Will they sit in class and think 'Heero hasn't been showing for class lately. Wonder what happen.' The hell they will, no one well miss me. My plans are not abnormal in fact, there agreeable. No one well miss me. No one well morn me. And I won't have so many questions anymore. I'll just rot in my apartment tell they come to get my money, then they well find me. No one well care. The knife that sits beside me right now has not been used since the war. I remember the feel of it tucked into my shoe. I don't what that memory. No one does. So here is my end journal. Sorry I didn't write in you more, but then no one what to be burdened with others problems. 

Heaven or hell, here I come. 

A.C. 199  
Day 5  
September nineteenth 

It has been a year. My god. I must tell you a lot of things have happen though it seems only yesterday I woke up in the hospital under Suicide Watch*. It was strange. When I woke up there was a blonde head girl that liked almost like Relena. That girl, I found out later, was my neighbor. She had come over because she was new and wanted to meet her neighbors. She had been knocking on my door when Mrs. Tucker, the nosy neighbor from across the hall, said that I was home and just to walk in. She found me on the bathroom floor and called 911. After that I went to rehab, in fact I just got out in July. People don't understand that rehab and therapist and counselors only bug the living shit out of you. They were not the ones to help me. My roommate did. His name was Rocco. He was there for drug abuse. What the orderlies didn't know was that he was also schizophrenic. I learn a lot from him and his other personality Ceque. It is funny how he really didn't try to teach me but just watching him at night, fighting with himself in his sleep made me realize how much I would have given away. I remember once he looked over to me and said the strangest thing. He said 'Nobody is meant to be alone.' The he laughed and said 'that's why I have the other.' I didn't understand what he meant, not then and really I don't think I have grasped it yet. He said once that you can't blame someone else for your own problems because in the end you will have to face yourself not the man beside you. That was my problem. I blame everyone else for not understanding me even when I didn't try to explain myself. I still keep emotion to myself and I can't help it. I know sleepless nights come with the package and I know I well live through it and survive. I know that if someone like Rocco can see my pain then I have hope. Maybe I well never be able to forget my youth, maybe I well never forget the war and all the people I killed in it, maybe someday I well be able to visit the other gundam pilots and well be able to speak to them as friends and not as a enemy, maybe one day I well have a family and friends and well not look to my past in discuss but see it as a learning tool that made me stronger.

Feeling - Rebirth   
To Who - Rocco  
Why? - For helping me  
Song Lyrics - I Changed My Name  
Song By - Sugarcult

I couldn't sleep last night

My ears were ringing in my head

Best friends with the boogie man

I may be better off here dead

Running on empty once again

Too tired for tears I dread

Sink deep into those magic dreams

While I blast off in my bed

And you know I played it all in here

Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears

And I threw my whole night down the drain

You know cause everyone says that I'm not the same 

Since I changed my name

Three hours later and I'm staring at the ceiling still

Xanax does nothing more but calm the sleeping thrill

Turning the pillows round and round to find the cold spot for my head

Ah, bless my only friend

And you know I played it all in here

Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears

And I threw my whole night down the drain

You know cause everyone says that I'm not the same

And everyone turns tricks for fickle fame

I feel my body's lost control

My knees get weak as I drift away

And it gets darker, darker

Dreaming's where I am

And you know I played it all in here

Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears

And I threw my whole night down the drain

And you know I played it all in here

Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears

And I threw my whole night down the drain

You know cause everyone says that I'm not the same

Since I changed my name

In some sense I have change my way. I have added to myself and taken away. I change my act, my look on life and mostly the way I look at myself. I can look in the mirror and say, My name is Heero Yuy and I'm proud to be me. I hide my demon better and look human around people. That is the best way for me to live. 

A.C. 199  
Day 6  
September twenty-first 

I understand now what that awful word love means. I visited Relena tonight and over heard her praying some to God Almighty. At first I couldn't understand what she was saying then I heard her talking about a man name Jonah. She said that she really loved him but she was waiting for someone else. She said that that man might never come and she was asking for help to chose which man. She was crying and was barely able to keep her body up while she prayed. It scared me to think that love can do that to some one. I had a scarier thought while I was walking in to rain back to the hotel I had rented. What if that other man was me? Was she crying because I left her? What of she really loves me? Some questions are not meant to be answered all I can give her is a song she well never see, a special page in a journal that a lone soldier carries around and puts song lyrics in. 

Feeling - sorrow

Who - Relena

Why?- caught in love with two men

Song Lyrics - Sometimes it Hurts

Song By-Stabbing Westward

Six o'clock in the morning

my head is ready to explode

I can't believe I made it home alive 

I don't remember where I went

or what I was drinking

but I know it's made me sick

and I'm not denying 

that I get this way

when I try to get over you

I get this way 

when I try to get over you

sometimes it hurts so much 

to lose the one you love

sometimes it hurts so much 

to lose the one you love

I tried so hard to hate you

but it only makes things worse

I only end up hating myself

and as my hatred grows

so do the lies

it's hard to face the truth sometimes 

god I feel so useless

god I hate myself

when I try to get over you

I hate myself

how will I ever get over you?

sometimes it hurts so much 

to lose the one you love

and after all this time you would think I'd understand the way I feel but no

I only think about myself

and it's driving you away

sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one you love

I hope she get through her dilemma and finds who she wants to be with for the rest of her life. She strong, so strong. I wouldn't be lying if I said she was stronger then me in so many different areas of life. She is able to get respect were it is unseen and unheard of. I just wish that I can be as strong as her.

A.C. 199

Day 7  
September twenty- second

Relena was crying again tonight. I can't stand it when women cry it make me feel so bad. She was praying, saying that everyone won't miss her she is not needed anymore. That is when I realize what she was going to do. She was going to commit suicide. I stopped her, making my presence known. I then did something totally out of character, I held her. It felt so good but so wrong at the same time. She had a man that really loved her and a man who was to be coming back, but the man that really had feeling for her but she not for him, was the one holding her. She did something unthinkable that still has me wondering if she meant it, right before she fell asleep she whispered 'I love you'. I left her and a note that said 'I hope you mean it' and now I can't sleep. Once again all I can give her is a song and hope that she gets better. 

Feeling - sorrow

Who - Relena

Why?- Conflicting feeling

Song Lyrics - When I'm Dead

Song By-Stabbing Westward

I know the tears you're crying in your bed at night alone

I've cried those tears a thousand times

but those shallow empty songs about suicide are patronizing

you've got to learn to face your fears

or do you think I'll be less lonely when I'm dead

it can't silence all the voices in my head

I close my eyes but I can't make it go away...

do you think I'll be less lonely when I'm dead

I know the songs you're singing saying nothing loud and clear

I've heard that song a thousand times 

but your noble empty lies about suicide are patronizing

you can never understand what I feel 

or do you think I'll be less lonely when I'm dead

it can't silence all the voices in my head

I close my eyes but I can't make it go away...

or do you think I'll be less lonely 

god I pray I'm less lonely when I'm dead

when I'm dead

I don't know what to do. Should I stick around and see if she meant it? Or just hightail it back to the colonies? I'm confused if she meant it or not. Maybe she did it on a whelm and didn't mean it. I don't know. I really just don't know.

^_^

Yippee! It's done it's really DONE!!! It took me almost two weeks to write! So make Bama a happy camper (she doesn't camp) and R&R!

* Suicide Watch, for though of you who don't know, is were they strap you down to your bed and you not aloud to go anywhere by yourself. It's a horrible thing that I had the honor of experiencing. ::sweat drop:: No fun at all. 

Ceque is a very good friend of mine that is schizophrenic and her alt. personality is named Rocco. Ceque is pronounced C.Q. I LOVE YOU GIRLY! 

~Bama 


End file.
